Rapture 2.0

We’ve all wondered from time to time, “Suppose the Rapture happened tomorrow, and some of my loved ones got left behind. How could I be sure I could send them Gospel tracts and personal information after I’ve been taken up to Heaven?” Well, wonder no longer: for just $40 per year, you can use this new web service to upload up to 250 MB of documents and 62 individual email addresses to send them to in case of the Rapture. (Or rather, in case you get Raptured and your friends — or at least the people you think are your friends — don’t.)

Here’s how it works:

We have set up a system to send documents by the email [sic], to the addresses you provide, 6 days after the “Rapture” of the Church. This occurs when 3 of our 5 team members scattered around the U.S fail to log in over a 3 day period. Another 3 days are given to fail safe [sic] any false triggering of the system.

We give you 150mb of encrypted storage that can be sent to 12 possible email addresses, in Box #1. You up load any documents and choose which documents go to who [sic]. You can edit these documents at any time and change the addresses they will be sent to as needed. Box #1 is for your personal private letters to your closest lost friends and relatives.

We give you another 100mb. of unencrypted storage that can be sent to up to 50 email addresses, in Box #2. You can edit the documents and the addresses any time. Box #2 is for more generic documents to lost family & friends.

The cost is $40 for the first year. Re-subscription will be reduced as the number of subscribers increases. Tell your friends about You’ve Been left behind.

The triggering mechanism for this messaging system sounds eerily like pushing the button in the Hatch on LOST. Let’s hope that those “team members” don’t get bored too easily or decide to yank a whole lot of people’s chains by “failing to log in” one week just for jollies.

I suppose the “encrypted storage” is in case the minions of Antichrist tap in to your loved ones’ email accounts and find The Four Spiritual Laws sitting there as an attachment. But it’s kind of amusing that only 150 MB of your document space is encrypted. Use the encrypted storage for the friends and loved ones you want to keep safe from the Antichrist; use the unencrypted storage on people you only kind of want to see saved but really don’t care if they get arrested and imprisoned or whatever, for possessing the documents which you so kindly foisted into their inboxes without their consent.

Of course, this could all be done for free (and without relying on a pesky team of designated email-signer-inners “scattered across the US”) with a proper mix of GMail, PGP, and perhaps a little scripting to make sure that the email gets sent after a certain time period. But where’s the fun in that?

Seriously, the theology (premillenial dispensationalism) is wrong; the business model (getting impressionable people to drop $40 into a totally unnecessary storage/messaging system) is basically immoral; and the technology (“encryption” with no specifications on the algorithm or descriptions of the server configuration, for example) is suspect and most likely not even necessary.  But do go see the whole site, because it’s not often you get to see a confluence of wrongness from three different directions in such a spectacular way.

Maybe it’s all just a really clever parody site. Please?

[h/t Cyberbrethren: A Lutheran Blog]


Filed under Christianity, Social software, Software, Technology

4 responses to “Rapture 2.0

  1. Just another liberal professor

    I don’t care what you people say; I loathe Jesus. I’d rather burn in hell for all eternity than spend a nanosecond worshipping the abomination that is the xian god.

    Stick that in your pipe and smoke it, churchie!

  2. Well, at least you’re honest about it.

  3. virusdoc

    In fact, JALP so MUCH doesn’t care what “you people” say that (s)he’s decided it’s simpler to label everyone as either a “churchie” or not, and just ignore everyone who falls into the former category in his simplistic opinion.

    Because it’s clear (s)he didn’t even read your post (which is obviously quite critical of the literalist “Rapture” attitude expressed), which makes me wonder why (s)he even frequents the site.

    So, JALP: read for detail and tone before labeling. Not everyone who talks about the Christian God or the Christian church fits into your narrow definition of a “churchie,” whatever that definition is. Oh, and if you’re too lazy to pay attention to nuance, you would fit quite well in the fundamentalist Bible movement. Their attitude and method is the same, even if their conclusions are different.

    Stick that in YOUR pipe and smoke it, sloppy thinking, prejudiced, grumpy old prof!

  4. virusdoc

    Oh, and just to clarify, JALP: you’re not being attacked by a “churchie”. I’m either an atheist or a gravely skeptical agnostic–I’m too confused by the complexity of the questions to figure out which. I haven’t stepped foot in a church in about 6 years. I am politically liberal. I am a molecular biology professor and an ardent proponent of unguided evolution as the reason we are all here.

    But I don’t arrogantly assume that everyone who does still believe anything about God or gods is an absolute nutcase, devoid of worth. I still think it is important to listen to what people say instead of stereotyping.